God Can Still Use Me

I don't know about you but there are times in my life where I feel inadequate. Times where I feel like I am not capable of anything extraordinary. Times where I feel my life will never be used for anything significant.

I started feeling this way once my position in ministry was no longer a title that I got to sign with at the bottom of my emails. It started when I removed myself from being immersed in ministry and went back to being an ordinary towns person. The small voice inside of you tries to tell you that you'll never serve God as much as you can than if you were actually working at a church. That you'll never fully please God if you're not involved in all the ministries your church has to offer.

I bought into the lie. I bought into thinking that if I wasn't working/volunteering at a church that I would never really fully be used by God to his ultimate potential. Says who? Throw being gay into the mix and the lies keep rolling in.

never again be used by God

can't serve with your type of lifestyle

For months I struggled with ever wanting to step foot back into the four walls of a church building. Will they accept me? Will they judge my so called "choice" to be with a woman? Will they say I can't serve?

These questions floated in and out of my mind only to torment me. We visited a few gay affirming churches but nothing that really felt like a home. The 
 morning where I felt like giving up, Krista pushed and said "let's just go try it" so we did. We walked in to the worship leader singing "Our God" it's a not so inside joke that we murdered that song in our old ministry because we played it so much. But the familiarity of the words, and the familiar strums on the guitar instantly brought me to tears.

I found myself wiping away tears as we sat and worshiped. With each passing song the tears grew bigger and more frequent. Frantically I ran out of dry space on my hands to wipe the tears away. Good tears. Tears of feeling like God was reminding that he was right there with me. Reminding me that it's not over. It hasn't even started. This was my jumping point to realizing that God wasn't finished me yet. He wasn't done with me just because of my sexual orientation.

Jump to present day where I find myself being asked to lead prayer for my dear friends little girl who is fighting for her life. As selfish as this may sound, I thanked God for the opportunity to come before Him and plead for her life. You're probably asking yourself "what's the big deal? People get asked to pray all the time"... true. But for someone who thought for months that God would never use her, being asked to lead prayer was a tremendous honor. 
To be clear, it’s not about me being in the spotlight. It’s definitely not about my ability to pray. But I do believe it is about God reminding me that regardless of what people say about me, He has the final word and authority of what I get labeled as. As for now the only labels I want are daughter first, servant second. 

God can use you 
no matter where you are and no matter who you are.


Megan Gates said...

Brenda I've experienced the same thing over and over for the past seven years my flesh has told me I'll never do God's will because of my wrongful label that Doctors labeled me as. For seven years I've dealt with depression and more things that were just lies after lies. But I tell you this God Loves us know matter what we're labeled in God's eyes we HAVE NO label!!!! So sister keep shining because in my eyes you are beautiful. :) Love Megan

Kazooboy said...

If Megan enables your sin she actually hates you. Brenda, you have chosen to ignore God's word and have acted on your same sex attraction. Every Christian could feel various kinds of sexual attraction. I could feel attraction to women other than my wife. If I act on those feelings it is wrong. If you continue to act on your same sex attraction you are knowingly disobeying God. I would have to add that I serious doubt that you have had a genuine salvation experience. Please repent of your sins, like I have to do every day. Break off your gay relationship and ask God to remove same-sex attraction from you.