"I will never be happy for you"
These are a few of the things I have been told in the last two weeks of slowly coming out to friends and families. If you haven't guessed what this blog post is about, let me get it out there now.
oh… and we're engaged!Now that you have gasped at the initial shock of this news, let me break it down for you to hopefully give an understanding of how I got here.
For as long as I could remember, I used to have crushes on boys. I was always the girl who never dated because she wanted it to be special with someone she REALLY liked. My first date wasn't until I was 23 years old, as well as my first kiss and my first boyfriend. I was always the type of girl who was confident in admitting that other women were attractive. I just always thought I was the cool girl in the group who could admire the beauty in the same sex; or any sex for that matter.
My agenda in our initial friendship from day 1 was to "straighten her out". I felt that I was supposed to mentor her and steer her in the right direction. I was asked to show her the error of her ways and show her that God could make an incredible Godly woman out of her.
For the longest time I never brought up her past relationships. Anyone who knows my ministry style knows that I won't dig for information unless someone feels comfortable enough to share their life with me. It took quite a while for her to trust me with her past. I listened of course and gave encouragement that God could heal her from her impure ways if she really wanted Him to.
Krista wasn't the only student I would tell that she was in the wrong. A former student came to me saying that he has had feelings for the same sex for as long as he could remember. I remember sitting with him and telling him that God didn't make him that way, and that if he really wanted to he could CHOOSE to stop those feelings and some day date and marry a woman. How naive and arrogant of me. He used to say "but where exactly does it say that in scripture?" and I always went blank. I always referred back to "well God created Adam and Eve…". I'll never forget the day I told him that he could no longer serve on my team if he continued to go against what God wanted for him. That if he continued to believe that this was ok that he would need a break from serving.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him. I can now say that I know even a small bit of what that must have felt like to have the person you look up to tell you that there is something wrong with you and that God didn't design you that way. To him I publicly apologize and I ask for your forgiveness.
My relationship with Krista grew past the average pastor/worship leader relationship. It wasn't just about the business of ministry. We genuinely became best friends. I found myself wanting to spend more time with her than with my own friends. There was this magnetism and electricity about her. Anyone who knows her knows that she can light up a room just by shining that perfect smile. She can tell you a joke and have you laughing until you can't breathe and your stomach hurts.
Slowly I found myself being physically attracted to her. I can still remember the day when I was driving home from work and couldn't stop thinking about her. Not just her, but being WITH her. As a couple. As partners. As wives. You can imagine my initial shock when I had never found myself being attracted to the same sex (or at least not admitting it). I prayed every day that God would take my feelings for her away. That God would cleanse my heart of such sinful ways. The agony that comes with something like this is almost unbearable. I spent days and nights wishing that I could wake up from this crazy dream I was having.
So you're probably asking yourself "If you felt so sinful about it how are you two now ok with being together?" The answer isn't a simple one. It's been a year journey of prayer, meditation, researching, reading, seeking counsel, you name it. I do not believe sexual orientation is a choice. As much as you didn't choose to be attracted to the opposite sex, I didn't choose to be attracted to the same sex. I believe God made each of us to His own liking and I believe that He makes no mistakes. I do of course believe that God will always want us to become more holy and become more to His image, and for this I am grateful for the example of Jesus.
From the moment Krista and I confessed our feelings for each other I knew that my position at the church needed to come to a close. To clarify, I did NOT leave the church solely on the basis of my new relationship. I had already been feeling for months that God was stirring something inside me that was already leading me out of this position. Once my relationship began I knew it was confirmation that I needed to go. I resigned and I exited in the most respectful way possible.
I am not here to change your mind on the topic of God and the being gay. The only thing I am here to do is to be honest with those I love and care about that this is my life. I have never been more happy in my entire life. I never knew that I could be in a relationship with someone who compliments me so well, someone who will pray with me, seek God with me, correct me when needed, encourage me, cry with me, and defend me. Someone I want to build a life with forever honoring God in the process. I don't believe her and I met by mistake, I believe I was sent to her to open my eyes of all that I never know could be. Like Dorothy coming into Oz, from black and white she opened my eyes to COLOR.
God is so much bigger than I ever imagined. I've never felt more hopeless, yet hopeful, more challenged, more defeated, and yet more full of passion to help a world see that there is so much more beyond our understanding. To help the world see that we are in no place to discriminate against someone just because of their sexual orientation. I will challenge you to see the individuals heart for God.
For many of you this is going to be a difficult thing to take in. While you are processing things, I want to be clear on a few things that might help you figure out how you will respond to this:
I do not EXPECT you to support us
I do not EXPECT you to be happy for us
I do not EXPECT you to let go of your beliefs just because we are friends
I do however, EXPECT you to treat us with love and respect.
Before you decide to cast the first stone, I challenge you to remember that no one is perfect. You can have your opinions and you can have your beliefs, just as I have mine. I won't force mine on you, just
as I ask you to not force yours on mine.
I leave you with this...